Single File: Why Not Marry?
DEAR SUSAN: My mother and I have talked over the same question you asked today. And here's what I've come up with:
No. 1: MARRIAGE IS HARD TO GET OUT OF. I grew up thinking my father paid so little attention to my mother she might as well be single. And yet she was stuck -- unhappy, neglected, unwilling to divorce on moral grounds, maybe even scared to leave, since she had surrendered her livelihood when my father's job moved us south. Yuck!
No. 2: MARRIAGE OFTEN MEANS BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED. But the two of them couldn't have started out like that, right? They must have been wild about each other at some point ... and part of me wonders if marriage isn't the culprit. I wonder if both people in a relationship might try a little harder to make each other happy when they're not aware of being pinned to each other for life. My mom was ALWAYS trying to keep my dad happy! Maybe if he were still trying to keep my mom in his life, he would have tried a little himself. It's when he started treating her like an easy chair -- always accessible, predictable -- that I think things went sour.
No. 3: MARRIAGE HAS SOCIAL BAGGAGE. So, yes, there's the bonus of free crockery and a honeymoon, but the generations before us have seen some nasty surprises come their way as a result of marrying a sweetheart: giving up a job and a sense of independence because hubby's job comes first; becoming a maid or a baby machine because he couldn't cut down on his hours just to help out with the kid; having "cook" stamped on her forehead, although she's as busy as he is ... and most of the time these things happened so subtly that before women noticed, they were living out their husband's dreams -- and had forgotten their own.
I'm looking to figure out my dreams on equal footing with the man I love, not as some indentured servant. This is NOT to say I will never get married. But I'd much rather live together for a good long time so I know what I'm getting into. (My mother hates the idea, but I think she's coming to terms with it.) Five years ago, she said if I were to move in with a boy, she'd disown me. Recently, though, she said, "If you and your boyfriend ever ... explore further commitment ... you should think about where you'd live." She's come a long way, baby.
DEAR READER: So have you, wise woman. So have you. You've added your wisdom to your parents' stories, fusing them into a womanhood of your creation. But they are standing proudly behind you, giving the space you need to be all you can be. Theirs was a totally different generation, less free to rethink the one that came before. So while you promise yourself to have a different kind of life (and love) than theirs, give them the honor they are due. Maybe take them to dinner tonight! (And, yes, the treat's on you.) Send me updates on your emerging undependence from time to time.
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