Manners Should Come Before Efficiency
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was watching a soap opera and one of the characters, a very proper lady, answered her granddaughter's question with food in her mouth. She did tuck the food into her cheek, and kept her mouth as closed as possible.
I actually find that acceptable -- more so than making her granddaughter wait for a response while she chewed and swallowed. But I'm curious as to Miss Manners' opinion.
GENTLE READER: In Miss Manners' opinion, Frederick Winslow Taylor, the efficiency theorist, was more entertaining as a subject of derision in "The Pajama Game" than he is nowadays -- when no one remembers his name, yet everyone believes with religious certainty that efficiency is more important than manners or morals.
No, Miss Manners would prefer that Grandmama take the handful of seconds to swallow what is in her mouth before answering. And that the granddaughter would have the respect and patience to wait.
She herself would have used those seconds in the entertaining pastime of wondering why television (and film and theater) actors and directors spend so much time learning about lighting and costuming, and so little learning about manners, which she believes are even more central to portraying a convincing character.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I disagree on appropriate dinner conversation topics. I feel it is inappropriate to discuss someone's illness or medical procedures at dinner. Whether dining in or out, I do not think discussing someone's physical health or medical history is conducive to enjoying a fine meal.
GENTLE READER: You may tell your wife that Miss Manners agrees with you -- but that she will make an exception for your wife, and presumably her fellow surgeons, to discuss their patients to their hearts' content over lunch in the hospital cafeteria.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married to my husband for eight years. While I am kind and conversational with his mother, he completely ignores mine.
He has never called her by her first name, or any familiar nickname like "Mom." When we visit my mother, he walks past her without a word. He sometimes cooks for me and the children during a visit, but refuses to cook for my mom. If he goes to the store, he won't ask if she would like him to bring something back.
His rudeness is rubbing off on the children. My 7-year-old daughter even told my mother, "Dad doesn't like you."
I know why that statement is true, but I personally feel like there is still no good reason to be socially rude.
I feel caught in the middle, making excuses like "He's tired," or something like that. I think he should not visit my mother with the children and me anymore. I can't think of another solution.
GENTLE READER: One cannot help noticing that while you know why your husband so dislikes your mother, you do not share his reasons -- nor, it seems, do you consider his feelings unjustified.
She did something bad enough that you understand his behavior; you merely seek a modus vivendi. Miss Manners agrees that keeping your husband and mother apart is, sad to say, the correct answer.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2024 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN
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