Things That Shouldn't Have To Be Said
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the mother of a trans man who transitioned in his 30s. When people I haven't seen for a while ask about my daughter, I of course tell them that he is now a man.
I've been asked what surgeries he has had, and several people have even asked me if he has a penis! I was so surprised the first time this happened that I was speechless, and then I said, "I don't actually know."
I am not sure how to respond the next time.
GENTLE READER: "I do not talk about my child's private parts."
You could add, "Nor would you, I hope," but Miss Manners fears that someone who is brazen enough to ask might be all too ready to share.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like so many others, I have a mother-in-law whom I can only tolerate for short periods of time. For context, my significant other and I live together and are basically married, except for the piece of paper. And this woman is his stepmom, not his biological mom.
She kisses my boyfriend on the lips when saying hello or goodbye. I am not comfortable with that at all. I've told my boyfriend that it bothers me, but he tends to forget.
She also asks my 2-year-old grandbaby to kiss her on the lips -- again, something I don't think is appropriate. He's at the age where we are trying to teach him that he doesn't have to kiss and hug people if he doesn't want to. Especially the kissing. That is for his immediate family, which she is not.
She once brought him into the bathroom with her while she used it -- totally unacceptable! I don't even let him come in with me, and I'm his grandma. How do you suggest handling this?
GENTLE READER: There are two issues here, it seems to Miss Manners, and she is only prepared to back you up on one of them.
Lip-kissing those who do not want it is unacceptable. Certainly, you do not need to partake, but if your boyfriend is OK with it, that is his choice. You can only continue to express your discomfort and hope that he will eventually remember.
As for your grandson, teaching him to create his own boundaries will enable him to soon make the decision for himself. That is likely all that you can do.
But you seem to have another agenda, which weakens your case -- namely, making this more about the fact that the woman is not biologically related to your boyfriend or your grandson. You do not mention the longevity of the relationship, but the stepmother and your boyfriend may well consider her an established member of the family.
For that matter, she may believe that, as a de facto grandparent, she is within her rights to help with potty training. That you find this kind of intimacy unsavory is valid, but you must make it egalitarian. There are plenty of cases where blood relatives are equally out of bounds. The real issue is consent, not family hierarchy.
In other words, unwanted kissing is a strong enough issue on its own. Do not weaken it by suggesting that there is, ahem, a pecking order to its suitability.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2024 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN
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