Humor
/Entertainment
For The Kids...
How do fireflies start a race?
Ready steady glow!
If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player?
The one in the sugar bowl!
How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a pile of manure in the living room!
What did one firefly say to the other?
Got to glow now!
What ...Read more
Mistakes...
"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?
First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.
If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
~ George Carlin
The 12 Birds Of Christmas
Is this attempted murder via birdie?
Amy Sedaris on Mourning Her Rabbit Tina and Buying Catnip Toys from a Woman in Her Early 100s
Amy Sedaris talks about finding closure while grieving her pet rabbit Tina, why she thinks she's allergic to his ghost and buying catnip toys in bulk from a woman in her early 100s.
Jimmy Kimmel Gets a Holiday PupTalk - Sponsored by Paw Patrol
Jimmy gets a holiday PupTalk from the Paw Patrol gang. Sponsored by Paw Patrol.
Christmas Riddles
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the ...Read more
Shakespeare by Computer
William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:
var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};
summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";
summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;
summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6;...Read more
Car Company Names
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually ...Read more
Car Full of Penguins
A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off.
The next day, the same highway, the ...Read more
Raising Boys
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The ...Read more
I Just Needed To Use Your Car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield ...Read more
Rudolph the Red
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was ...Read more
Things to do at Wal-Mart...
...while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:
-- Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
-- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,'Code 3' in house wares ..... and see what happens.
-- Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M and M's on layaway.
-- Set up a tent ...Read more
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Part I
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, ...Read more
Jokes Seth Can't Tell: Yale Announces Beyoncé Course, Lesbian Robin Hood Graphic Novel
There are some jokes that just sound wrong coming from Seth, like one about a college newspaper questioning if wearing cargo pants makes people lesbians.
3 Ridiculous Questions with Colman Domingo
Jimmy asks Colman Domingo three ridiculous questions.
Jimmy Gives Away a Brand-New Vehicle and Lights Up The Tonight Show in Partnership with Ford
Jimmy gets a little help from Santa and the Ford Power Promise to light his holiday display before gifting a lucky audience member their choice of a brand-new Ford F-150 Lightning or a Mustang Mach-E!
Elton John: Why It's Never Too Late To Change Your Life - EXTENDED INTERVIEW
Elton John talks to Stephen Colbert about the dizzying highs and lows of his life from 1970-1975 as he became one of the most famous entertainers in the world, all while privately spiraling into drug addiction and despair. Watch the new documentary "Elton John: Never Too Late," which examines this wild period of his life, streaming now on Disney...Read more