Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find ...Read more

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous ...Read more

"Today President Bush had a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting had two translators, and they still had a rough time. Mainly trying to figure out the translation for "okie dokie." --Conan O'Brien

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"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside ...Read more

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?.
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?.
They both drop their needles!

What's Christmas called in England?.
Yule Britannia!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?.
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why is a burning candle like ...Read more

You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap:

- I don't read good.

- I suffer from terminal laziness.

- I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?

- My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.

- My shoes are too expensive to walk in.

- Wheelchair symbol? I ...Read more

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circumference...Read more

Dad called upstairs to his daughter when her boyfriend came to pick her up, "Dreamboat...your barnacle is here!"

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"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?" --Unknown

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"I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. ...Read more

Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your ...Read more

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

...Read more

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush...Read more