1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I ...Read more

My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."

- You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

- A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

- You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

- You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

- You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

- You shot ...Read more

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!

Why did the king go to the dentist...Read more

-- Your last name stays put.

-- The garage is all yours.

-- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

-- Chocolate is just another snack.

-- You can be President.

-- You can never be pregnant.

-- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Actually, You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

-- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

-- You ...Read more

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither. He's bald."

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, ...Read more

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it ...Read more

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned,...Read more

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of ...Read more

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes '...Read more

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.