ArcaMax

I hadn't done much sanding in my life, but my wife and I bought a new house, and she asked me to sand the kitchen cabinets so she could paint. She likes to paint. I got a handheld electric sander and went to work.

Turns out I'm not a bad sander. She is mid-paint right now.

That's one of the things to remember in life. You don't know if you can do it until you try.

One cabinet leads to another, and I'm full of confidence from the sanding, so I want to announce my availability for a post in President-elect Donald Trump's Cabinet.

Experience? Not really, and that's what makes me worth a shot as secretary of anything. No one can tell how good I'm going to be at the job. Hell, I don't know.

Talent? Hell, yes. Did you see those cabinets I sanded?

Qualifications? I got a ton of 'em.

It's true I've never been part of a pro-wrestling event, but I'm willing to get in the ring with anyone if the whole thing is fixed.

Have I been in the military? No, but veteran status is a funny thing in American politics. It's good if you have it, but it doesn't count if you don't. In that way, its kinda like being a virgin on your wedding day.

Do I believe in the Bible? Sure. We done now? OK, so I don't read the Bible, but I believe all the stuff in it about not being gay and about women keeping their mouths shut. Feed the hungry? Visit the prisoner? Hungry people are hungry because they're lazy, and prisoners are in prison because they're scum. I don't believe in that weepy Bible stuff. I believe in a muscular, masculine, not at all gay Bible that doesn't encourage you to waste your time coddling losers.

I can pick out most of the world's country on a map. I know which ones make good whisky and decent cheese and the kind of marble statues I'm going to put in the garden of my new mansion.

I love my BMW, but I hate illegal immigrants. I love the guys at the car wash who soap up my BMW, but I don't really know if they're legal. Anyway, it only costs $30, and my hood looks like a mirror when Carlos and the boys get done.

I do not believe in climate change. I believe we can pump unlimited amounts of smoke into the air and throw unlimited garbage into the water and nothing will ever happen. Not ever.

I believe in fossil fuels. Like feeding the hungry and visiting the prisoner, wind power is gay. So are electric cars, which I believe are condemned in the Bible, somewhere in the Book of Mustang.

I have never been with an underage girl, at least not since I was an underage boy, so neither one of us was guilty of anything other than hormonally fueled stupidity. Also, she wasn't trafficked. She was in my English class.

Best of all, I'll take anything. Let's put it this way. I don't know how to do anything, so I'll be as good at anything as I am at anything else.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.