Most women's magazines simply try to mold women into bigger and better consumers.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus at age six when my mother took me to see him in a store and he asked for my autograph.

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year --- everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it.

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that they just about throw up.

When you were quite a little boy, somebody ought to have said "hush" just once.

I was born because my mother needed a fourth for meals.

My father was often angry when I was most like him.

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title.

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.

Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

I fear nothing so much as a man who is witty all day long.

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's the basic spelling that every woman ought to know.