If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

The only aspect of our travels that is interesting to others is disaster.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

If you realize too acutely how valuable time is, you are too paralyzed to do anything.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed."

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

My husband said he wanted to have a relationship with a redhead, so I dyed my hair.

Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.

Getting along with men isn't what's truly important. The vital knowledge is how to get along with one man.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property.''

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.

If you educate a man you educate a person, but if you educate a woman you educate a family.

In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250