ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a "save the date" email from a friend's sister. She described how the family was going to celebrate all the milestones occurring this year, including my friend and his wife's 50th wedding anniversary and the milestone birthdays of 13 other family members. They have rented a very prestigious venue that will easily hold several hundred people. It has been billed as a no-gifts event.

Of all the people being celebrated, the only ones I know are my friend and his wife. Quite honestly, I would feel a bit odd attending an event where I only know one couple out of more than a dozen being celebrated.

I don't know if there will be a charge for this event, but given the expected expense, it is not easy to imagine someone else picking up the check for all of us. I don't think I'd feel comfortable paying for tickets to celebrate someone else's family.

I'd like to know if this is a new thing, or if indeed this is something unusual. I'm struggling to come up with a good excuse for not attending, as I can't imagine feeling comfortable at such an event. But sometimes there are social repercussions to not attending.

GENTLE READER: What kind of people do you suspect your friend's relatives are? Ones who would charge you admission to their family celebrations and punish you if you declined?

Mind you, Miss Manners is no longer surprised at crassness and greed in what are supposed to be social transactions. Or the assumption that such is friends' motivation for entertaining.

What does surprise her is that targeted victims would even consider complying.

But what makes you think that such is the case here? You do not mention having been asked for money. You have been specifically told not to bring presents. What justification do you have to think that this invitation is a lure to fleece you?

Isn't it possible that these are just nice people and your friends only want you included in the festivities as they gather to celebrate this anniversary?

Anyway, you have no obligation to attend. Nor need you give an excuse when the actual invitation arrives. Just send your congratulations along with your regret at missing the party.

Miss Manners suspects that you will not be forever ostracized, or subject to any other repercussions. But then, she has not succumbed to the unfortunate habit of presuming ill will of everyone, even one's hospitable friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A person whom I have known since we were young children is expecting her first child soon, and I would like to send some kind of gift. We rarely engage with each other these days; when we do, it's in a friendly yet strictly professional capacity.

I am not sure what is appropriate, or if giving a gift in this context -- when I am very much on the periphery of her social and professional circles -- could even be considered rude. I really just want to do something nice, but I'm not sure what is correct.

GENTLE READER: Rudeness is rarely expressed though presents -- assuming that they do not explode on reception.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN