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Dear Eric: I have two daughters, "Tracy," who has two adult children, and "Mary," who has three adult children. Tracy is financially comfortable and has been retired for several years. Mary is doing OK but still has to work. They are three years apart; Mary is younger.

Mary is a devoted daughter who has been there for me after a cancer surgery, taking off from work to help me after the surgery. She calls me every few days and will be there if I need her.

Tracy told me years ago that she could never take care of me if I needed help. She calls me on holidays and my birthday, sometimes leaves a message if I'm not home, saying she'll call back and she never does. In the past she was not pleasant if I called if she was watching a show on TV or something like that, so I hesitate to call her.

I wish to leave Mary most of any inheritance and Tracy just a token amount. I am leaving equal amounts to each grandchild because I feel that their relationship with me was formed by the example of their parents.

I love both of my daughters and all of my grandchildren. Tracy has emotionally hurt me for so many years.

My concern is that this unequal distribution of inheritance would drive my daughters even further apart. I keep hoping Tracy will change and become a loving daughter and sister. Will it do the opposite?

– A Mom Who Wishes for Unity

Dear Mom: It’s very likely that an unequal distribution will cause friction between the sisters. At the very least, it’s unlikely to bring them closer. This isn’t an argument against your plan, per se. But it’s important to go into this clear-eyed.

When I get inheritance questions, I often write that money talks, but it mumbles. So, we have to be clear with what our intentions are. If you want Tracy to be a better sister to Mary and a better daughter to you, you can and should ask for that in specific ways. For instance, “I want to have a closer relationship with you before it’s too late. Can we commit to a weekly phone call?”

Mary is free to do the same thing. However, unfortunately, what’s best for both of your adult children is for you to let them navigate their relationship on their own instead of trying to influence it.

Lastly, you may want to talk to a financial adviser about ways of distributing some money now, especially if it can make a meaningful difference in Mary’s life and make it easier for her and you to enjoy your time together.

Dear Eric: A 70-year-old woman wrote to you about being addressed as "honey" or "sweetie" (“Not Honey”). I know there are parts of the country where everybody is "hon," but I think you missed this woman's point. One of the most disturbing – painful – things about growing older, and especially if you're a woman, is that older adults are often marginalized and treated as though we are children or childlike and no longer functioning members of the adult community. Calling an older woman "sweetie" can be intended as friendliness, but, whatever the intent, it can be experienced as microaggression and marginalization.

Thanks for all the kind advice you provide. I hope you'll extend more of that kindness and understanding to the letter writer's experience.

– Respect

Dear Respect: You’re absolutely right and I appreciate you, and the letter writer below, for pointing out this blind spot.

Dear Eric: I enjoy your column and thoughtful answers. It's impossible to get the tone right every time, so I hope it's OK to comment on your answer to "Not Honey," a 70-year-old woman being addressed as "honey" and "sweetie."

You meant well, but beginning with a comment that it could be a regional or cultural phenomenon was implicitly dismissive. And nothing in your reply seems to recognize that this is a common, patronizingly ageist way of addressing people. It treats older people as if they are children incapable of fully understanding (applying the same infantilizing tone and diminutives used to address small children). Sometimes it comes from an assumption that because they're old, they must be cognitively impaired.

It's quite belittling. And yes, any one person who does it might not be encountered often, but the older person may encounter it multiple times (from different people) in the same week.

– No Ageism

Dear No Ageism: Thanks for your letter. I certainly didn’t mean to come off as dismissive. My hope in publishing your letter is that it gives readers another perspective to consider in their own interactions. It’s always helpful to learn more about other people’s contexts, so that intention and impact can be more aligned.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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