ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I’ve been going to the same neighborhood nail salon for nearly 10 years. They are usually great, but about two years ago, I continuously began to be relegated to a nail technician, “Sue,” who is very inconsistent, doing just OK sometimes and then on occasion was truly awful.

Sue has come close to drawing blood while cutting my nails, has hurt me while trimming cuticles and sometimes has my nails at different lengths and shapes. They usually don’t let her apply any polish and have another technician take over for that phase.

I felt I kept getting her because I never complained, either to her or the owner. I stopped going there for nearly a year. When I came back (it really is convenient – I can walk there!) she wasn’t around the first couple of times, and I thought she had retired.

But now she’s back and I just received the worst manicure ever. I believe she’s a family member to someone there and she really is sweet. I don’t want her to lose her job, but if I were the owner I would want to know – although, I kind of suspect she does. How should I broach this subject with them? I feel like I let it go too long for me to just show up and say, “I want anyone except Sue for my mani-pedi.” I know, I know. A bad day at the nail salon is a high-class, first-world problem to have, but I really would like to continue to give them my business.

– No Chips on my Shoulder

Dear No Chips: If the salon takes reservations, call ahead and request another technician. This will keep you from having to have an awkward interaction in person. If they don’t, it’s not unkind to discreetly let the owner or the front desk clerk know you’d like someone else. They may be relegating you to Sue because you don’t complain, or they could think that you actually like the manicure. They might even have a note in your record that reads “Favorite technician: Sue!”

One client choosing to work with someone else isn’t likely to get a nail technician fired, especially if she’s a family member. However, if you have serious concerns – and coming close to drawing blood does count as serious – letting the salon know gives them, and Sue, a chance to improve. With someone else’s nails.

Dear Eric, I married for a second time 21 years ago after an unpleasant divorce. My spouse "James" is a good guy. People really like him, but I am quietly having a hard time liking him at all these days.

Over the years, he developed a bad habit of stockpiling anything and everything all over the house and yard. I didn't say much at first, but the past few years his cluttering has gotten much worse. James refuses to discuss my feelings or look for a compromise. He gets visibly upset when I talk about the mess as if the stuff is more important to him than I am.

I am simmering with resentment just below the surface. Can this be resolved short of me admitting I made a bad choice a second time?

– Stalemate

Dear Stalemate: Resolution is absolutely possible, but it’s going to require both of you to be a little more vulnerable. It’s very likely that James feels self-consciousness or even shame about the stockpiling. Shame has the tendency to shut down conversational pathways, making every little comment about The Big Thing.

Similarly, if every errant piece of clutter is immediately prompting you to wonder if your entire 21-year marriage was a mistake, it’s hard to have a non-charged conversation. Despite your efforts, your resentment may not be as below the surface as you think.

There are some questions you should ask yourself and some you should discuss as a unit. You write that you’re having a hard time liking him lately. Is it about the clutter or does the clutter represent something bigger about his personality that you don’t like? Do you want to like him?

As a unit, can you both agree that there is something in your relationship that isn’t working the way you want it to? What’s important is finding a mutual understanding about the state of things without placing blame or getting caught in details. From there, you can ask each other, “do we want things to be different?”

That’s a great place to begin work with a couple’s therapist. If that isn’t an option for you, you can also establish more productive ways of talking to each other, like using “I” statements, avoiding “you always,” allowing conversational time outs, and assuming the best of each other as you work to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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