ArcaMax

Dear Eric: Even though I started off school smart and curious, starting middle school, I did horribly. I couldn't manage my time wisely. I couldn't organize my thoughts, and it was paralyzing. They suggested I be tested for ADHD. I was able to mask any symptoms with a proctor standing over my shoulder, so I passed with flying colors. They suggested my mother look into getting me tested by a doctor. She denied that, saying I was just lazy, and I needed to do better.

Now as an adult, I'm not doing well at all. I don't know how to navigate this life. I don't have a degree because I lost motivation for everything, I thought I wanted to learn. I've grown paralyzed at the thought of speaking with others, even to the point of making and keeping doctor appointments.

My mother is taking care of my three oldest children (their father, a narcissist just like her, just passed away a year ago). I have a psychiatric evaluation coming up, that'll hopefully give me some answers.

I need an income for myself. But where do I go? Community help doesn't help me – churches, groups, et cetera – because I see through and realize these members are wracked with their own issues, so I don't want to be a burden!

– Starting Over

Dear Starting Over: First things first – you’re not a burden. Care organizations exist because they know that there’s a need for community care. That includes you, too. Please reach out if you need to.

I’m glad that you’ve taken the self-affirming step of getting an evaluation. This is huge and you should give yourself credit. Hopefully, it provides some answers and resources.

If you do have ADHD or another form of neurodivergence, then executive function might be a struggle for you. This isn’t your fault.

Try taking tiny nibbles on the full plate of tasks before you – what’s going on in your life would challenge anyone. One thing at a time, one task a day or whatever cadence feels best for you. A phone call, a web search – try visiting CHADD.org, an incredible clearinghouse of resources for children and adults with ADHD. I also really like the podcast Refocused with Lindsay Guentzel and the fantastic new book “It All Makes Sense Now” by Meredith Carder. You don’t have to solve it all today, but from the steps you’ve already taken, you are on your way.

Dear Eric: I vacation with two very dear friends for three to five weeks at a time during the winter. The issue is TV "rights". One friend is unable to sleep in a bed (physically unable) and settles in the living area of any vacation rental and watches TV, sometimes well into the night – while also sleeping in the living area.

My other friend will wander in (from a perfectly good bed), turn the channel (their viewing preferences are total opposites) and then fall asleep also, prompting a "huff" from the now wide-awake friend. First World problems? You bet.

We are all over 70. Any thoughts on how I can get them to share the TV or provide some boundaries? I'm just happy to be on vacation and could care less about TV.

– Keep the Drama on the Tube

Dear Drama: Who knew that late-night reruns of “The Nanny” or “Trading Spaces” could cause so much strife?! Easiest way to quash this is to make a group agreement that, after a certain time, the living room becomes the bedroom of the friend who is unable to sleep in a bed. It’s already her de facto bedroom and you all have accepted that. Setting a “lights out, door closed” period helps establish a boundary.

Ideally, she’d do this rather than bringing you in, but such is friendship.

Another option: find a rental with TVs in the bedrooms, too. This way both friends can, separately, watch whatever they want, and you can sleep undisturbed by huffs.

Dear Eric: In response to Walking on Eggshells about saying the right words to folks going through tough times. Yes! “I love you, I’m sorry, I’m here” are wonderful! As someone who had two children with disabilities to raise, lost a relatively young husband suddenly, along with many other big life issues one after the other to navigate, please add to the list: “You’re doing great!” That was music to my ears Also: “Let me help you with…” or “I’ll be there to…” And then show up.

I was never good at asking for help but, oh, when it arrived how wonderful it was! A meal, help with packing, another set of hands. Beyond the kind words, actions speak the loudest.

– Do and Say

Dear Do and Say: Thank you so much for these wonderful suggestions! You’re doing great!

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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