Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?