ArcaMax

It's the biggest office party of the year -- the annual holiday extravaganza where even the most remote remote workers drag themselves back to the workplace to celebrate with bad food, fake comradery and fun with a capital F.

And -- oh yes -- firings. Firings have a capital F, too.

It's true! Employees go to the party, ready for fun, and come out, ready for unemployment. All it takes is a simple slip, such as being too friendly with your manager's partner or not friendly enough with your manager's executive assistant, and before Santa comes down the chimney, you'll be out the door.

According to TollFreeForwarding.com, "Google searches for 'Holiday Office-Party Etiquette' have spiked, with a 917% increase this quarter in searches for 'Work Christmas Party.'"

The reason for this frenzy of searching is obvious: "Employees are worried about embarrassing themselves at in-person events." (Frankly, I'm surprised someone can be so worried about such a short time period. People like you and me embarrass ourselves all year 'round.)

One interesting result from the survey, which will shock absolutely no one, is the fact that the definition of bad holiday party behavior differs greatly when you compare men and women. For example, 27% of men think flirting is acceptable, while only 7% of women agree. Men are also more likely to swear (28%) and shout (19%) at work parties compared to 12% and 5% of women. I imagine the women are swearing and shouting at the 27% of men who are dishing out the unwanted flirting, but you never know. Or maybe you do.

Other interesting statistics include the fact that 20% of men think talking about their sex lives over a flagon of wassail is totally acceptable. 94% of women would rather let the mystery be. And what should come as no surprise at all -- men are about twice as likely to spend party time gossiping.

Really, they're just flibbertigibbets, these men. Or, in today's tech-obsessed world, maybe a better description would be flibbertigibbots.

Since you know that you won't be gossiping, or flirting, or blabbing about your sex life, what can you say and do at your company's holiday party? Here are my suggestions:

No. 1: Talk to the Little People.

Let your co-workers make fools of themselves, cosplaying the C-suiters. You talk to the "Little People" -- the Christmas elves who populate the lowest rings of the org chart. These are the bitter admins in HR and the junior IT droids, people who will appreciate the attention and -- never forget -- can make your life hell in the coming year.

"I appreciate the way you drag your feet when responding to my vacation requests and laugh at me when I can't understand how to use my phone," you could say. "You give me the gift of humility."

No. 2: Avoid the Big People.

The Little People can't fire you for making an etiquette boo-boo, which is definitely not the case with the denizens of Mahogany Row, who consider even the slightest reason to reduce headcount a gift beyond measure.

If, despite your best intentions, you find yourself in conversation with a higher-up, protect yourself by utilizing the very best business jargon you can make up. Make yourself look like executive material by name-dropping nonsense, such as "organic divisionality" and "paradigmatic algorhythmic sell-through" and, of course, absolutely anything to do with "AI," whatever that is.

No. 3: Eat as much as you can as fast as you can.

Restraint is a common theme when searching for advice on holiday parties. I recommend restraining the restraint. What better way to show your enthusiasm for the company than eating a whole tray of pigs in a blanket while your horrified co-workers look on? You will forever be known as the pigs-in-a-blanket dude, which isn't good, but it is a lot better than being known as the cheated-on-their-expense-account gal or the sunk-the-whole-southwest-sales-initiative guy.

No. 4: Have an out.

Bad office parties can happen to good people. Do not enter the party without an exit plan. If you're unwilling to use the old standbys, such as passing out from too much kombucha or dropping in a dead faint in the presence of the CEO, arrange to have a friend call you with an emergency that demands your attention.

Even the most coldhearted manager will be have to be sympathetic to a report that your budgie has escaped or your toaster has exploded.

If you don't have anyone who will handle this for you, send me your numbers and I'll do it. Consider it my gift to you. Meanwhile, please pass the pigs in a blanket.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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